To honor the life of Jacob Cohen, aka Rodney Dangerfield, I have compiled for your faithful reader some of his best one liners:<\/p>\n
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!<\/p>\n
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.<\/p>\n
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could..but he pulled through.”<\/p>\n
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.<\/p>\n
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.<\/p>\n
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.<\/p>\n
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.<\/p>\n
I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.<\/p>\n
One year they wanted to make me poster boy..for birth control.<\/p>\n
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!<\/p>\n
My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.<\/p>\n
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!<\/p>\n
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..”Do you think we’ll ever find them.” He said..”I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.”
\nI remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said..”On your mark…”<\/p>\n
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.<\/p>\n
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.<\/p>\n
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.<\/p>\n
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.<\/p>\n
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!<\/p>\n
For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.<\/p>\n
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!<\/p>\n
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..”How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?” He told me..”That is why we give you 21 days.” Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just nights.<\/p>\n
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. They say..”Love thy neighbor as thy self.” What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?<\/p>\n
At christmas time I sat on santa’s lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me!<\/p>\n
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.<\/p>\n
I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.<\/p>\n
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.<\/p>\n
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said..”Why should I.. you never put out for me.”<\/p>\n
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex.She said..”No.. one drag is enough.”<\/p>\n
A girl phoned me and said..”Come on over there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!<\/p>\n
A hooker once told me she had a headache.<\/p>\n
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.<\/p>\n
If it weren’t for pick-pocketers i’d have no sex life at all.<\/p>\n
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said..”Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said.. “No.. I hate myself now.”<\/p>\n
She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.<\/p>\n
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that…
\n– She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. “One at a time.”
\n– Her bath tub has stretch marks.
\n– Her belly button makes an echo.
\n– She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. “Caution wide load.”
\n– When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
\n– One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I didn’t ride around her. I told her that I didn’t think I had enough gas.
\n– Her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
\n– When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip.<\/p>\n
She was so ugly that…
\n– She was known as a two bagger. That’s when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
\n– I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
\n– I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
\n– They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
\n– I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her
\n– The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.<\/p>\n
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. “What’ll you have?” I said..”surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.<\/p>\n
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.<\/p>\n
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy..”Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?” He said..”Because you came home early.”<\/p>\n
I went to look for a used car. I found my wife’s dress in the back seat!<\/p>\n
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her..”The best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.<\/p>\n
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom!<\/p>\n
I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem…I don’t know who to thank!<\/p>\n
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.<\/p>\n
I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I told him once.. “Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?” He said..”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”<\/p>\n
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.<\/p>\n
I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.<\/p>\n
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.<\/p>\n
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath…he holds up his arms.<\/p>\n
Why every time he smokes..he blows onion rings.<\/p>\n
My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him.. “If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion. “He said..”Alright..you’re ugly too.”<\/p>\n
I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!<\/p>\n
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face…turned me over and said.. “Look…twins!”<\/p>\n
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn’t born a boy..I’d have nothing to play with!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
To honor the life of Jacob Cohen, aka Rodney Dangerfield, I have compiled for your faithful reader some of his best one liners: I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west! My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[255,540,548],"class_list":["post-97","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ramblings","tag-funny","tag-rip","tag-rodney"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=97"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3751,"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/97\/revisions\/3751"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=97"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=97"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.keymasterproductions.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=97"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}