ramblings

Wikiality: Where Truthiness Reigns

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Stephen Corbert has his own version of Wikipedia up now called Wikiality, a site dedicated to upholding and documenting truthiness. It does a great job mimicing Wikipedia, almost as good of a job as I did mimicing the NY Times with The Poser.
One entry that is particularly funny is about Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle, the mascot of the Saginaw Spirit, a minor league hockey team in Michigan. It seems that they were having a contest to rename the mascot and enough people suggested that they name it after Colbert that the Stephen inspired name won. Now, the team has fully embraced the new name and I’m thoroughly amused to say the least.
Read through the rest of the site to truly understand why our country is screwed.
Via Janelle

television

Tables Turned

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You can’t make this stuff up: Dog the Bounty hunter was just captured in his own home by bounty hunters and is being sent to Mexico to answer an unlawful imprisionment charge he picked up when in 2003 he captured an American, who happened to have raped 3 women in America, in Mexico. They caught the whole capture on film as A&E is busy taping the 4th Dog season and they are airing it tomorrow night in a special. This one I have to watch!
After the jump, read a long article about it and Duane Chapman, aka Dog.
A Cornered Pit Bull: Bounty Hunter Becomes Prey by David Carr
The eight or so men crept quietly up to the house in the Portlock neighborhood of Hawaii at the crack of dawn. The woman inside was making school lunches for her children and noticed them too late. They bum-rushed the bedroom, capturing their target in cuffs before he knew what hit him.
Duane Chapman, known as Dog, the premier American bounty hunter, would have appreciated their artistry had he not been the guy in handcuffs. Mr. Chapman, the star of A&E’s highly rated “Dog the Bounty Hunter,” was transported to the federal detention center in Honolulu to await extradition to Mexico on a three-year-old charge stemming from his capture in Mexico of Andrew Luster, the Max Factor heir who was eventually convicted of raping three women.
Back in 2003 Mr. Chapman and his colleagues were charged by Mexican authorities with “deprivation of liberty” and held in jail in Puerto Vallarta before they made bail and slipped out of the country. Now, with less than a month before the warrant would have expired and in the midst of filming the fourth season of his enormously successful reality series, Mr. Chapman was the one being brought to justice. (Yesterday the Chapman family suggested that some horse trading was under way, pointing out that Francisco Rafael Arellano Félix, part of a Mexican drug cartel, was handed over to United States authorities.)
As American symbols go, Mr. Chapman is a pretty epic one. He has had 4 wives, 12 children, 18 robbery convictions, a conviction for being an accessory to murder, and, according to his math, more than 7,000 fugitives brought to justice. He belonged to a biker gang, but cries easily and enjoys vacuuming. His show, filmed mostly in Hawaii, is a mix of tweaking meth-heads and postarrest moralism, a business built on repossessing human flesh. But with Mr. Chapman, the drama always seems to continue after the cameras shut off. On the day he was to be married this spring in a filmed ceremony, his estranged daughter died. And now this.
“He leads a complicated, edgy life,” said Lucas Platt, the supervising producer of the show. “Going after Andrew Luster was a risky decision, but he thought it was the right thing to do. Now it has taken an unfortunate turn.” The turn won’t hurt ratings. A&E plans a special for tomorrow night, and the stories about his travails will only add to the legend. The man who brought vengeance to thousands of bail jumpers found himself on the wrong end of justice.
“I was totally freaked out,” Mr. Chapman said on the phone Saturday after he had posted a $300,000 bail to await a hearing on extradition. “There were guys that I had put in there that were yelling all sorts of things at me.”
His wife Beth, a co-star in the series, worked frantically for his release.
The 2003 Luster arrest, which catapulted Mr. Chapman to a new level of celebrity and eventually resulted in A&E signing him for the series, led to a lasting grudge on the part of Mexican authorities, who demanded that the United States extradite the bounty hunter.
On Thursday night the Mexican attorney general released a statement suggesting that what Mr. Chapman had done was an affront to national sovereignty.
Larry Butrick, chief of the criminal division for the United States Attorney’s Office in Honolulu, said that his staff was merely executing a valid warrant that came from headquarters in Washington.
“The court here really will just be looking at the legality of the extradition and if there is a fit under the treaty we have with Mexico,” he said.
One of Mr. Chapman’s lawyers is hoping that the matter can be settled somewhere short of a Mexican prison.
“I have a high level of confidence that we will be able work with the good will and good faith of the Mexican authorities in resolving this satisfactorily,” said William C. Bollard, who represents Mr. Chapman, his son Leland and Tim Chapman (no relation), a bounty-hunting colleague, all of whom helped apprehend Mr. Luster. For now the Dog is at large, albeit with an ankle bracelet.
“If I have a fugitive on the run and have to go out at night, I have to notify them,” he said, referring to federal officials. “I have no problem with that.”
In the month before his arrest, Mr. Chapman was busy hunting jumpers for the benefit for those who posted bond, and for a nimble A&E camera crew that jogged after them. The show’s template is simple and effective: The quarry is selected, a plan is made among the family members who make up most of his crew, the hunt commences and then capture, usually followed by a hug at the end, although a handcuffed one.
A bad guy made good by an 18-month stint in prison on the accessory-to-murder charge, Mr. Chapman sees an arrest as a kind of intervention, a way to let the runner face the music and begin a new life.
“We put families back together,” he explained, even though they often do that by putting one of the heads of the household behind bars. It has been wildly popular — “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is A&E’s most-watched show — partly because his mix of mayhem and moralizing has a kind of outlaw sweetness. It is a bit of Ward Cleaver, though accompanied by multiple cans of Mace, just in case.
On television, or in person during a recent visit by a reporter to Mr. Chapman’s headquarters in Hawaii, the hunt is a spectacle to behold. On a hot day near the end of August, Mr. Chapman laid out the agenda for the day. Item first and last: putting bond jumper Monalisa Hartsock in cuffs.
“She has the letter R tattooed on her left breast,” Dog told his colleagues at Da Kine Bail Bonds, which he and his wife own on Queen Emma Street in Honolulu. Speaking from behind major sunglasses that play MP3’s including “I Fought the Law” and thumping an ornate American Indian walking stick for emphasis, Dog warned that Ms. Hartsock was one of the many island inhabitants who got lost in smokable meth: “She knows she is going to jail.” The lowdown on Ms. Hartsock is followed by a shout-out to Jesus, who always rides point on any hunt.
Hawaii is a near-perfect ecosystem for bounty hunting. It is a rock, after all, thousands of miles out in the ocean, so a person can hide in only so many places. Meth has overtaken the island, so there is no shortage of bail-jumping, tweaky perps. Dog crossed over after his prison time, but just barely, still working the corners of the law to substantial effect. The rest of his crew could not be cast any better: Beth, a large sexpot with brutal intelligence and an oft-hidden heart of gold; Tim, the wizened sensei who works himself into a quiet rage; Duane Lee, the normal guy with abnormal biceps who loves taking down bad guys; Leland, the wayward son swaddled in tattoos and mail from adoring fans, and “Baby” Lisa, the up-and-coming toughie.
Mr. Chapman sees himself as a fisher of men, an enforcer who brings people to justice in what he calls “the cuffs of love.” He first turned it around as the No. 1 Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman in the country during the early 1970’s and now has taken his dust-busting ways to cleaning up the culture at large.
In a single episode he works the gutters for data, deploys phony accents and white lies on the phone, and physically tracks a runner in a way that seems a bit supernatural. It helps that most crooks are dumb as a box of rocks, but still.
The name Monalisa has Beth Chapman humming the song recorded by Nat King Cole. She has a lovely voice, albeit paired with a top-heavy endowment that borders on the architectural and a tendency to go junkyard dog when cornered. All honey for the time being, she convinces one of Monalisa’s pals who posted bail to help them find her.
Beth gently explained to Desiree that while it is hard to give up a pal, “the alternative is you have to pay the bond.” A call finally went through to Monalisa: Desiree convinced her to meet at a 76 gas station. The trap is set.
Right on schedule, Monalisa pulled in. “That’s her,” Desiree said. But Beth’s car was momentarily blocked in by Tim’s so she could not come around the other side; Monalisa saw Dog — tough to miss in his stunt mullet— hop out of Tim’s car, and she began backing up. Leland flew out of Beth’s car and filled the fleeing car with Mace, as did Duane Lee, but Monalisa tore out in reverse and careened through an intersection toward the highway, cars squealing to avoid her. Beth, in hot pursuit, filled the car with expletives : “Of all the rookie moves in the world!” she said. She fruitlessly crisscrosses the nearby neighborhood at high speed, while the car driven by Tim does the same. Mistakes were made. (Monalisa was finally captured by Dog and company early this month.)
Dog freely admits later to messing up Monalisa’s capture. He pleads guilty as well and to rolling around in his 15 minutes. “I always wanted to be the good guy in the black hat,” he said.
Despite the success of his show, his team had to scrape together money to bail him. Each member of the crew has a hard-knock history, no one assuming they deserve or can depend on success. They may have gone Hollywood, but their trashy roots are never painted over with peroxide.
By definition, anybody Mr. Chapman catches is having a bad day, but when the chase is over, Dog always gives them a cigarette and The Talk, an echo of a life-changing discussion he had with a deputy who was taking him to jail so many years ago.
Earlier that same week in August the hunting was more fruitful. After looking all over Oahu, they found Jacob Falenofoa, another meth casualty, with the help of his wife, who co-signed the bond. They found him at the house of a girlfriend’s parents in Pearl City. Riding back on H1, a highway that heads back to Honolulu, Dog went all biblical on Jacob, talking about how the drugs he was doing “ate his brain” and how deep down he was a good family man. This being Hawaii, a rainbow bloomed to the north as the speech peaked.
Dog said he was happy with the day’s outcome.
“I believe in what I do, I am good at what I do, and I want to be able to say that Jesus played a role in it,” he said. “Never, ever, has anyone ever escaped.”
Not even Dog. A few short weeks later, the cuffs of love found Mr. Chapman.

ramblings

A Versus B Posts: Many To Come

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For a long time now, I have wondered when one should refer to A versus B about many different things. I have decided to help out humanity by not only answering each question which, like how Churchill referred to Russia, can be seen as a “riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma” but by posting the answer to my site as well. In the immortal words of Bill Cosby, I hope you have some fun and learn a bit before you’re done.

ramblings

High Pitched Laughter

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If you are in need of a laugh, watch how this TV talk show host responds to one of his guests (Note: based on the other guest and the audience, it seems to be a pretty serious topic):

Via Ro

ramblings

30 Facts About Chuck Norris

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When I was out in Cali at the beginning of July, my friends and I were sitting around the Q grilling, chatting and laughing. I said, “You know what’s funny, those Chuck Norris facts” which fell totally flat – no one knew what the hell I was talking about which was shocking – I know this list is “old” in Net years and figured one out of the five at least would be familiar with them. So, I mentioned the one Chuck Norris fact I know by heart – “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.” – and my friends just lost it. I then went inside, jumped on a computer and found the full list of 30 facts about Chuck Norris, a list that will blow your friggin mind. I tried to read them all but couldn’t get past the first 10 because I was laughing so hard. We then decided that these facts are way too powerful to be read at once and we would read them only in increments of five. I waited a day for 10 – 15 and it took forever to get through those five facts. Then, at a later date when my friend Steve took over at 15, he could only get through three of them because he was laughing so hard. At one point, he was holding onto a railing in order to stand. You have been warned. So now, without further ado, here are 30 Facts About Chuck Norris (with number one still my favorite):
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
7. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t f*ck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
8. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
9. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick-related deaths.
10. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
After the jump, read the next 20 if you dare.
Via Everyone
11. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
13. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
14. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
15. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
16. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
17. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
18. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
19. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
20. Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
21. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He also always makes it to Oregon before you.
22. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
23. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.
25. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.
27. Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
28. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
29. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
30. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

movies

The Vader Sessions

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Akjak used snipits of dialogue uttered by James Earl Jones in a variety of different movies to create a new edit of Star Wars IV: A New Hope. It is absolutely fantastic and its really, really funny. I think it will make a great calling card if one is needed. I know the clip is sort of long but you have to stay with it. I’ve listened to it 3 times now and I keep listening to it and I keep catching different movies. So far, my favorite that I’ve recognized is a “Coming to America” line.
Since most of us, or those that read my site, know SW so well, just pop on your headphones and listen to the audio if you have to work and can’t watch 10 minutes of video right now. My favorite parts are from minute 4 to 4:30 and from minute 7 until the very end – those parts are extremely ridiculous. Watch out for Mr. Long Island too and enjoy!

Via Chris

television

Harvard's Family Guy

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Seth MacFarlane, the creator of “Family Guy,” gave a speech at Harvard Day this year and it was fantastic. He does the voices of Peter, Stewie and Quagmire while giving some sage advice. It’s seriously awesome. Enjoy!

Via Kantro

sports

The Onion's Take On The US's Relationship with Footie

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The Onion’s recent World Cup related article Devastated By U.S. World Cup Team’s First-Round Loss, Nation Grinds To Halt is so satirically funny it just has to be read and shared. My favorite part reads:

It is estimated that over 85 percent of U.S. households were watching the USA–Czech Republic matchup. And going into the game that most Americans have been waiting for, analyzing, and all but living for during the past four years, schools, offices, shopping centers—everything, in fact, except vital services—closed their doors as the game began.

Say you were from another planet, or the Midwest, and you didn’t know that The Onion is a humor publication nad that the article was a humor piece, the 85% would have been the dead giveaway. I’m not even positive that eight-tenths of one percent of U.S. households watched the match, forget about 8.5%.
I for one have felt lately that The Onion just isn’t as funny as it used to be. Hopefully, this article proves that they are back on track. Either that or I am just in love with all things footie right now. I can say for certain that one or both of those two statements is correct.