Category: humor

humor

Top Auto-Correct Fails of 2011

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If you are using some sort of mobile device to communicate, you have probably experienced some sort of auto-correct failure. This is where you meant to say one thing but your phone/tablet/whatever automatically decided that you really meant to say something else, often to hilarious results.
Damn You Auto Correct is a very funny blog which features, you guess it, a collection of outrageous auto-corrected text messages submitted by readers. At the end of last year, it unveiled its top nine laugh-out-loud entries of the year, based on Facebook shares, tweets, comments and page views. For your reading pleasure, please see the list below. Enjoy!

  1. Intended word: “Monday,” not “Man boobs.”


     
  2. Intended word: “Clinic,” not “closet.”


     
  3. Intended word: “Mortgage payment,” not “MOTTSAPPLESAUCE.”


     
  4. Intended word: “Kissed,” not “killed.


     
  5. Intended word: “China,” not “vagina.”


     
  6. Intended word: “Dimples,” not “nipples.”


     
  7. Intended word: “Shirt,” not “shit.”


     
  8. Intended word: “Persian,” not “period.”


     
  9. Intended word: “Mistletoe,” not “cameltoe.”


     
humor

Funny numbers

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Let’s say you are bored and want to dial some fun. Why don’t you call 719-266-2837? I decided to press “3” for a little pick-me-up. That didn’t make you smile? Then try 772-257-4501.
Still not smiling? Then, you should try 212-660-2245 because I’ve got nothing for you. Single men and women – you might want to write that last number down…

humor

The Sh*t |Insert Type of Person Here| Say Meme

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Memes are an interesting little phenomenon – I love how quickly they can take off, like how a video one day can have zero views and the next day have over a million views.
The most recent meme to catch on like wild fire is the “Shit |INSERT TYPE OF PERSON HERE| Say” meme.
It started with “Shit Girls Say,” which was followed by “Shit Black Girls Say” which was followed by “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls,” which was then followed by all sorts of derivatives, including the great “Shit New Yorkers Say – “You have to go to Brooklyn, it’s the law!” though I love the Pat shout outs as well – and the not so great “Shit Long Islanders Say.”
Not one type of person has been spared this meme’s wrath. Not Rednecks. Not Hippies. Not gays. Not lesbians. You name it. No one. And this all happened in the span of a few weeks. Amazing.
One organization that is jumping on the meme bandwagon is Americans Elect, which Media Bistro basically said made this meme jump the shark. Check out their Sh*t Politicians Say video below:

humor

On Nostalgia

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One of my all time favorite Onion articles is from 1997 and it’s titled “U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: ‘We May Be Running Out Of Past’.” It starts with:

“At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent “national retro crisis,” cautioning that “if current levels of U.S. retro consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out of past by as soon as 2005.”

I thought the idea was hysterical at the time and in subsequent years, as I went to “Culture Club” in NYC and saw how quickly the 80’s seemed “cool” again, I’ve thought more and more about it. Walking home from the train today I saw a kid rocking Reebok Pump sneaks with a Seattle Supersonics hat that looked straight out of 1989 and boy was I taken back to Junior High. Nowadays, people are walking all over NYC with hot pink and electric blue Ray Ban-ish shades that make them look right out of “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and I’m wistful for own “youth” at the ripe old age of 34.
While it seems that the Onion’s 2005 date in the article was off a little bit, their vision of a nostalgia gap is coming true, and it’s not just evident by looking at what the “kids” are wearing these days. The kids themselves are pining away for their own “childhoods.”
Case in point, today’s NY Times has an article titled “The Good Ol’ Days of 20 Years Ago” which talks about how Nickelodeon, bowing to Millennial pressure on FB and other places, will be airing “classics” from the 1990’s. Yup. Classics from the ’90s. The gap is closing, and closing fast!

“Are 18- to 34-year-olds too young to be nostalgic? Evidently not. Starting next Monday, TeenNick, part of the Nickelodeon family of cable channels for children, will start rebroadcasting old series from the 1990s that are considered classics by young adults. That’s right: classics from the 1990s.”

Art imitating life imitating art. Love it.

humor

Zen and the Art of Hot Dog Eating

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I read a wry and witty joke yesterday that made me chuckle. It’s been around for a while – eBaum’s World posted it in 2007 – but this was the first time I heard.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
The Zen Buddhist payed with a $20 bill, but received nothing back. He asked the hot dog vendor, “Where is my change?”
The hotdog vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
Love it!

humor

"NJ drove me nuts!" says lawsuit

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What a birthday day treat! The NY Post reported yesterday that an Elie Tahari manager exiled to New Jersey is demanding $2M for ‘anguish.’ To quote the article, Thomas Horodecki, 36, said:

“It was the smog. It was depressing driving to Jersey, the traffic was horrendous on Route 4, and they are pretty bad drivers. The stores are kind of cheesy for the most part. New York City has everything when it comes to fashion, especially Saks. And when it comes to styling, let’s just say Jersey is difficult. Fashion it is not!”

Horodecki claims that in December, his depression drove him to leave work on disability.
This is a pretty ridiculous lawsuit but I can understand where he is coming from. As I’ve said many times to many people, I’m a New Yorker who happens to live in New Jersey. I’ll need to still be living here full time when I’m 67 to consider myself a New Jerseyite and that isn’t going to happen. Route 4 traffic sucks. If he wins his lawsuit, I may sue my family for making me live here…
I kid, I kid!

humor

Honey Badger

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The Honey Badger is the most fearless of animals – it just doesn’t give a shit.

Happy Friday!
Via Anthony

humor

A Winning Lexicon

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First off, I like many people, such as Darren Franich at Entertainment Weekly am completely and utterly obsessed with Mr. Charlie Sheen. Franich nailed by writing,

“In just a matter of days, Sheen has already become a kind of Internet Megameme — he’s like the perfect combination of Chuck Norris and the Double Rainbow guy, with just a touch of Dramatic Chipmunk.

Speaking of the megameme, he claimed a twitter account and in only a single day amassed over 1,000,000 followers. I just logged in and am following him and he’s now up to 1,076,858 followers. I now use Twitter to follow Phish’s set lists as they happen and Sheen’s words.
Next, keeping the winning theme going, Judy Berman at “Flavorpill” has been nice enough to compile of list of all the winning words and phrases that Charlie Sheen has uttered recently. As she put it,

His language is a thing of wonder, oscillating between slang we haven’t heard since the early ’90s, hybrid terms ripped from the pages of fantasy novels, and words he has completely and totally re-appropriated (e.g., “winning”).

His phrases blow “I’m taking my talents to South Beach” completely out of the water. I have already started to use a few of his phrases in my own life and already am winning more than I used to. I know that it’s too bad that no one else but me can be on the drug known as Jeff Lipson but that’s for everyone’s benefit, because obviously you wouldn’t be able to handle it – your face would melt off and your children would weep over your exploded body.
So, without further ado, the words and wisdom of Mr. Sheen:
Adonis DNA
n. Along with tiger blood, the building blocks of a Charlie Sheen.
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
Bitchin’
adj. Beyond awesome.
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.” (Paging David Bowie — don’t you own that one, bro?)
Charlie Sheen
n. Totally bitchin’, incredibly expensive drug that will probably kill you.
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
Cryptology
n. The science of understanding WTF is going on with Charlie Sheen.
“Read behind the frickin’ hieroglyphics… this is cryptology.”
Duh
n. A term that gained popularity in the last two decades of the 20th century meaning, roughly, “Everybody knows that.”
“Duh, winning! It’s, like, guys, IMDb right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c’mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn’t even trying. I wasn’t even warm.”
Gnarly
adj. Intense, fucked up.
“[I]t got so gnarly that Stan just went, ‘I’m out.’ That’s fine. That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye. There’s the freakin’ door, you know?”
Goddess
n. One of two women who fell from the heavens (or the strip-club stage, whatever) to fulfill Sheen’s every need.
“I’m not saying that it’s not true. But I’m laughing. And I’m laughing with the goddesses, I’m laughing with my friends.”
Mercury surfboard
n. Charlie Sheen’s vehicle of choice.
“It’s been a tsunami of media. And I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard. Right off the bat, sorry.”
Troll
n. Person who has Twitter account and/or understands how to use the internet.
“You look at some of these retarded zombies, these trolls that roll out of there and heading back for the rock to crawl back under before the sun peeks out — and they’re putting so much stock into the words and the thoughts and, as I have said, the gibberish of fools, and not checking anything with me.”
Warlock
n. Male witch, like Charlie Sheen.
“We are high priest Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom! Print that, people.”
Winning
n. The only thing Charlie Sheen is addicted to. Widely believed to be a more potent form of crack cocaine.
“I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn.”

humor

Snow Adventures

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Anything related to a Dungeons and Dragons adventure makes me smile. My world has become full of responsibilities and stress so anytime the pleasant memories of spending an entire weekend rolling dice and aiming to get a plus two times three vorpal sword from some dragon’s hoard while sustaining myself with slices from a Pizza Hut “Big Foot” pizza are jogged, I get to go to my “happy place.” The comic below that I read back in January put me there. Enjoy.
Snow Dungeons and Dragons