humor

"Telling Cute Animals What's What" since October, 2008

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I checked out Fuck You, Penguin a blog where BZA “tells cute animals what’s what” about 15 minutes ago and still am smiling. Any place where I can read a post titled “Panda accomplices fully liable” which contains the copy below is a place for me.

“Attention people who have access to Pandas. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT KIND OF POWER YOU POSSESS. You are like a child that stumbles upon one of the rings from lord of the rings, only instead of a ring it is a FUCKING PANDA. Keep all pandas away from toys and other human objects like cars, hats, and exercise machines. If not, you will be held fully responsible for the damage they inflict.
Oh yeah, and fuck you, Panda.”

Love it. Happy Friday.
Via Ben

humor

Epic Fail

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“Epic Fail” is a term which is being used more and more these days. It can mean a number of different things but they are all sort of the same. For instance, it can symbolize the highest form of fail known to man or it can be used when something can be seen to be a total failure, like this dance routine below:

The site Failblog charts all of the fails out there and some of them are truly epic in scale. If you have any sense of schadenfreude in you, you’ll get a kick out of more than a few posts on this site.
For instance, you might get a kick out of the guy below who thought it would be a good idea to climb inside a balloon. Nothing says “Epic Fail!” more than that!

Via Chris and others

ramblings

Prefab Cabin Loveliness

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For the survivalist or minimalist in your family this holiday season, the MetroCabin a prefabricated livable 16 feet deep by 20 feet wide multi-use open plan space. It’s a livable getaway cabin, a studio, an extra room, a cabana, or a mountain retreat and starts at $32,500.
As the site says, “The simple and sophisticated design allows it to exist easily in an urban setting, while the quiet strength and sturdy attitude are comfortable in a more rugged environment.”
I haven’t been in one of these cabins myself but I have been in plenty of small studio apartments. At first blush, I would say that its a pretty fair comparison. Once you have the cabin, all you need is a small croft of land to plunk it down on and some plumbing to hook it up to the local water supply and you are all set.
Here are some pics below of the MetroCabin in situ:
Suburban setting:

Rustic setting:

Inside the MetroCabin:

Via Brian

politics

Election Hang Over Funny Business

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Its been about a week and a half since Obama won his electoral landslide. Some of the counting isn’t even done yet – Missouri is still outstanding. So many people, so many organizations, so many nations have commented on the election and said so many different things, it is at once expected and astounding and it has run the gamut from the serious to the silly.
I’ve been serious for so long, I’d like to focus on the silly. For instance, South Park provided a brilliant parody of the election twenty four hours after the event took place. It’s episode “The Greatest Thief Club in the World” perfectly sends up both our country and Ocean’s 11, 12, 13 and whatever else comes this way. Parker and Stone have reset the bar once again. A great con – a beautiful twist. Loved it.
I chuckled reading the short Onion article Black Man Was Given the Nation’s Worst Job. Here is half the article:

As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, “It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can’t catch a break.”

When you put it that way, being the President doesn’t sound too fun…
Another gem from the Onion comes from its video division. Its piece on how die hard Obama supporters are completely adrift was a little too close for comfort. I wonder how many of my posts over the past two years have mentioned Barack? Hmm. I almost don’t want to count.
The Daily Show has a good piece on the search for the First Dog. Lucky for me, when it came time to get a dog I sort of didn’t have a choice – a friend of the family had just had a Shih-Tzu litter and I was locked into a little Ewok.
Last but not least, here is the truth which just sounds like a joke: “A black man and a hard ass Jew walk into the Oval Office and…”

ramblings

Not Famous? Be Happy.

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After watching Posh Spice attempt to leave LAX I am deliriously happy I’m not famous. I mean, seriously. Is this the life you want to lead?

Yes, she could have traveled in a private jet at a smaller airport and avoided this LAX nonsense altogether but at some point, she has to enter the public space, like by going to a restaurant, and I’m sure the above would just happen then. I think the only way to avoid this type of craziness is by not being famous. Then again, being famous but ugly might work. So, I guess the question is then do you want to be beautiful and not famous or famous and ugly because beautiful and famous sucks donkey!

ramblings

When Monks Attack

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When I was in Israel about two years back, I was lucky enough to meet Wajeeh Nuseibeh, the Custodian and Door Keeper of the Church of Holy Sepulcher. He was standing outside of the Church, giving out his business card to a crowd of excited people and in typical follower fashion, without even knowing what it was I just went up and took one from him. As I was reading what it said, my guide asked, “Do you know who that is?” and when I replied that I did not, he proceeded to tell me the story behind how this Muslim man ended up with the keys to one of Christianity’s holiest sites.

doorkeeper.gif

Basically, it was to prevent things like the recent Monk brawl next to the site of Jesus’ tomb from happening. In case you ever wondered (start humming Prince), this is what it looks like, when Monks fight.
The church is jealously managed by six competing and often disputatious Christian denominations — Roman Catholic (also called Latin here), Greek Orthodox, Armenian Orthodox, Coptic, Syrian Orthodox (sometimes called Jacobite) and Ethiopian Orthodox. Sometimes the tensions over the right to clean or to pray in a particular area of the church spill over into violence – which is exactly what happened last Saturday.
The keys are held by the Nuseibeh family because all of the sects fear that if one sect in particular holds the keys, it will just lock themselves in and all of the others out. To assuage this fear, Nuseibeh’s family has helped keep the peace since Caliph Omar Ibn Kattab first conquered Jerusalem for the Muslims in 638. The only gap was during 88 years of Crusader rule in the 12th century. According to family history, when Salah A-Din recaptured Jerusalem in 1191, he promised English King Richard the Lion Heart he would invite the Nuseibeh family to resume their role as custodians.
Out of all of my mementos from my Israel trip, I think I love Wajeeh’s business card the most. It is the story of Israel: both ancient and modern all at the same time. When I show his card to people, I love providing my card along with it and asking the person to read the job titles and company names out loud. If you were to do that with me right now, one card would read “Sr. Producer, IconNicholson” while the other would read, “Custodian and Doorkeeper, Church of the Holy Sepulcher.” I’ve been employed in my job for about a year and a half now. The Nuseibeh family’s had their job for 1363 years and counting.
Video link via Chris

politics

Yes. We. Did!

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Let’s start with the obvious: Barack Hussein Obama is now the President Elect of the United States and will become the 44th President when he is inaugurated on Jan 20, 2009. I have only two words: hot damn.
Last night, I started the evening in my apartment with a home cooked meal, a great bottle of wine and even better company before moving on to a bar in the UES. Before I left, there were many high fives and fist bumps traded as CNN reported state after state going to Obama. At the watering hole, I continued to watch CNN which was playing on a wall mounted TV and when I noticed a countdown clock for when the west coast polls would close up shop, I turned to a friend and said, “They are going to call it for Barack the second the polls close. You watch.”
Soon the clock struck 0:10 and I, along with a roomful of others, proceeded to audibly count down to zero like it was New Years Eve. When the clock hit 0:00 sure enough “Barack Obama Wiins Presidency” flashed up on the screen and everyone went wild. There were toasts, cheers, hoots, claps and hugs exchanged by all. Quickly, my small group finished our drinks and moved to another establishment a few blocks away, one with better TVs and a much better sound system to listen to the speeches.
The whole bar quieted down when both of the candidates spoke. McCain’s speech was the best I’ve ever heard him give. That being said, it cemented in my thoughts the idea that he’ll always be a soldier – ready to dutifully follow his leader – and not the general he hoped to be. I think he secretly knows he isn’t General or Admiral material and I think we are better off with him in the Senate.
Then came Barack. If you missed Obama’s acceptance speech I would highly recommend that you listen to it. The words powerful, moving, emotional and inspiring all come to mind. To see him walk out on stage with his wife and children, to see the multi-hued crowd explode, to hear the multi-hued bar I was in explode, man oh man, it was flat out cathartic. I believe I was shouting “yes yes yes” over and over again.
One thing is for certain: Brand America just got a serious dose of anabolic steroids. One part of the awesome power of Brand America is its “Shining City on a Hill” ideal and the fact that we have a Statue of Liberty crying out in New York Harbor, “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” Obama said in a 2007 speech that “I still believe that America is the last, best hope on earth. We just have to show the world why this is so.” I truly believe simply electing him as our President is a huge step in that direction.
Take for instance what prominent Saudi columnist Dawood al-Shirian had to say:

“Today, reality in America has superseded fantasy. … Americans have struck a deadly blow to racism all over the world. Americans have regained themselves and have regained the American dream. The picture of the U.S. that was disfigured by the Republicans in the past eight years fell from the wall today. The picture of the America we had in our minds has taken its place.”

The Kenyan government declared a national holiday (Barack’s dad is from there) and people are partying all over the world. To steal Reagan’s line, its morning in America and the future, while daunting, looks brighter than it has in a long, long time.
I care so deeply about America’s image abroad because if it wasn’t for it’s “Last, best hope” reputation I might not even be alive. My ancestors all left the Pale of Settlement (basically Poland / Russia) around 1910 and came to America because it represented their “last, best hope.” They faced vicious pogroms and ever increasing intolerance in their native land while America offered the possibility of a better life – for them and their descendants.
Their decision to head West across the Atlantic was monumental because everyone in my family who stayed in Europe was killed in the Holocaust. Its not hyperbole to say that if my ancestors had decided to stay put and not uproot their entire lives to head to the Lower East Side, if they did not tie their future to the promise of America, I probably would not be around.
I’ve been deeply affectedly by my family’s immigrant experience and recognize how lucky I am to be a 3rd generation American citizen even though I was disappointed when Bush won in 2000 and crushed when he defeated Kerry in 2004. I have never been able to fathom how the country I love and believe in so much has been heading straight to hell in a hand basket (I will not rehash 8 years worth of problems in this post). I’ve prayed for things to turn around before I get so dispirited that, like my ancestors, I begin to entertain the idea of “Where would be better?” While that still is a far way off, we’ve been heading down a dark path. A McCain victory would have only validated the past 8 years worth of nonsense and it truly would have made me question the motivations of my fellow citizens. It also would have made me incredibly fearful about what the next 4 years would bring.
Thankfully, Obama’s victory has pulled America back from the brink of insanity though this is just the end of the beginning. The 4th generation Americans in my family (namely my daughter and my niece) need their future’s promise restored. There are many challenges both foreign and domestic ahead and we all should be prepared to make sacrifices, whether they be time, money, resources or some combination of all three. That being said, the day is full of promise. As our President Elect said, “Let’s get to work.”

politics

Vote!

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I arrived at my local polling place at 6:00 AM and found there was already a line down the block. My wife, my daughter and I all went together – it was a family affair – and it was pretty emotional. It was an incredible feeling to have my daughter in my arms while I was behind the curtain pulling the lever.
If you couldn’t tell by now based on my past posts, here is what I hope will be served tonight for dessert:

Pic via Andrew Sullivan

politics

Republicans Best Pray for Bad Weather

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If you are in a battleground state today, you might see someone in an elephant mask doing a rain dance. In 2007 study titled “Republicans Should Pray for Rain: Weather, Turnout and Voting in U.S. Presidential Elections,” Brad T. Gomez, Thomas Hanford and George A. Krause concluded that every inch of rain above average on Election Day, gives Republicans an additional 2.5 percent of the vote, and every inch of snow above average increases the Republican vote share by 0.6 percent.
So what is the forecast for Tuesday in the main battleground states? Weatherbill, a private online weather risk management service based in San Francisco, has crunched the numbers for seven such states, looking at historical data in each state’s capital city, and has arrived at much the same conclusions as the National Weather Service: fair skies and little chance of rain in most, but not all, of the places that are still up for grabs.
Via The Caucus